


When Blue Met Yellow

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drug Use, Female on Male Rape, Heroin, M/M, Rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:38:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5481995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fate. It had to have been fate. How else would Castiel have run into Sam, someone he hadn’t seen since his senior year of high school, on that summer day in mid-June of 1984? A story of horrible luck, manipulation, and drug use...written for sastiel bigbang 2015</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Fate. It had to have been fate. How else would Castiel have run into Sam, someone he hadn’t seen since his senior year of high school, on that summer day in mid-June of 1984?  
Castiel worked at the only gas station in Satbury, Illinois, a town of only two-thousand people. General Manager, twenty-two and just out of college, he felt great. As great as someone who works at a damn gas station in the middle of nowhere possibly could.  
It was empty that day, save for the regulars who stop by for coffee every morning before they head off to work, making small talk with Castiel before heading off, a few travelers passing through, and an Impala. The familiar black car pulled up to pump #2 around three or four in the afternoon. Castiel knew that Impala, the man in a leather jacket who stepped out of it and began pumping gas, and the other man, younger but taller, who entered the station. The taller man made his way over to the snacks, Castiel watching in careful observance.  
“Cas?” The tall man asked.  
Castiel jumped, then looked closer at the man.  
“Sam?” He asked.  
Sam approached the register where Castiel was standing, causing Cas to stiffen.  
“It’s been a while,” Sam said, chuckling.  
His smile brightens the room, Cas thought. Then, that’s cheesy.  
“Yeah,” He said, “I thought I recognized…So, what are you doing here?”  
“Passing through,” Sam answered, “I’m on a road trip with Dean. Celebrating my high school graduation.”  
“Nice. How…how is Dean?”  
Sam rubbed the back of his neck. Castiel didn’t realize he was staring.  
“Great,” Sam said, “Um…when do you get off work?”  
Cas checked his watch, “Four. So…half hour.”  
“Want to hang out with me and Dean?” Sam asked, “Sure Dean would be glad to see you too.”  
“Yeah,” Cas said, “Sure.”  
“Great. Dean and I will drop by then.”

Sam bought chips, paid for the gas, then joined Dean in the car.  
“What are you grinning about?” Dean asked.  
“Guess who I just ran in to?”  
“Who?”  
“Cas,” Sam said.  
“Cas?” Dean asked, “From high school?”  
“Yeah, that Cas,” Sam said, “I invited him to hang out after his shift ends at four. I said we’d meet him back at the gas station.”  
“All right,” Dean stared longingly out the driver’s side window before starting the engine.

Castiel didn’t know Sam too well, just “Dean’s little brother,” but he knew Dean. They were friends. Though their relationship went a little beyond ‘just friends,’ yet never really amounted to anything. They talked, shared their problems, Castiel even went to Dean when he couldn’t take his parents arguing anymore. He’d fall asleep in Dean’s bed, wrapped in Dean’s arms. Then, graduation. Castiel moved from Lawrence, Kansas to Illinois.

As promised, Cas waited in his car after passing the keys to the next guy, Jimmy. It was a twenty-four hour gas station. The Impala stopped in the parking lot, next to Cas’s car, and Sam got out. Cas rolled down the window.  
“We’re going to the café,” Sam said, “You can meet us there if you want.”  
“Sounds good.”  
He followed the Impala to the Café, the only café in Satbury. Sam stepped out, followed by Dean, then Cas got out of his car. Inside, Sam sat across from Dean at the booth, making Cas freeze up for a second, before Sam patted the empty area next to him. He scooted in next to Sam.  
“Damn Cas,” Dean remarked, “Last time I saw you…”  
“Sam wasn’t this damn tall,” Cas joked.  
The three of them laughed. Sam looked at Cas for what seemed like a little too long in Dean’s eyes.  
“So Cas, what have you been up to?” Dean asked casually.  
Castiel told the brothers about college. Dean stated that he didn’t go and Sam talked about his scholarship.  
“Stanford?” Castiel marveled.  
“Full ride,” Dean said proudly.  
Sam blushed, as he did whenever Dean boasted about his “baby brother.” Castiel shifted uncomfortably as Sam and Dean ordered food.  
“Burger and fries,” Dean ordered, “And a coke.”  
“Salad,” Sam ordered, causing Dean to roll his eyes, “And…water.”  
“I’ll just have a coffee,” Castiel said.  
His coffee came first, then Sam’s salad, and Dean’s burger and fries. All was well, until Sam stole one of Dean’s fries when he wasn’t looking, and Castiel had to force himself to keep a straight face as Sam handed one to him. He noticed himself unconsciously shifting closer to the younger brother, who didn’t seem to mind.  
“What the hell?” Dean noticed finally, “Damn it, Sam!”  
Sam and Cas cracked up.  
“Asshole,” Dean joked, picking up his burger.  
Noticing Castiel’s hand resting on the booth between them, Sam took a chance, grabbing it softly. What possessed him to do that, he’ll never know, but Castiel was sure as hell glad he did. Holding Sam’s hand while drinking his coffee, he noticed how soft and warm his hands were, how great it felt to hold. Great, yet, somehow strange.  
Dean went to the bathroom after he’d finished eating. Sam cleared his throat and turned to Cas.  
“So, um…” He stuttered, “Me and Dean are supposed to leave tomorrow, head off to the Grand Canyon. If I can convince him to stay another day, do you want to hang out…again?”  
Cas smirked.  
“Where?”  
“Um…you have a park?”  
“Across town, up North.”  
“Wanna go there, then?”  
“Yeah. I’d like that.”  
“Great,” Sam said, “I’ll talk to Dean, then…what’s your number?”  
Cas told Sam his number.  
“I’ll call you, then.”

“What do you mean you want to stay another day?” Dean asked when he and Sam were back at the motel.  
“Well, I just think there’s more…stuff to see, that’s all.”  
“Really? In a town like this?”  
“Yeah,” Sam answered.  
“You mean more Cas to see,” Dean mumbled sarcastically.  
“What?”  
“Don’t screw with me, Sam. I saw you holding his hand. I don’t know what’s going on with you two or when it started…”  
“Nothing is GOING ON with us,” Sam interrupted, “Look, I was just going to go to the park tomorrow, that’s all.”  
“Alone?”  
“Yes.”  
“Why are you lying to me?”  
“I’m not.”  
“Right. Sam, if you want to go on a date with Cas…”  
“It’s not a date,” Sam insisted.  
Dean sighed, “Guess one more day couldn’t hurt.”  
“Thanks Dean.”  
Dean took a sip of his beer.  
“Sure thing, Sammy.”  
Sam lied on his back, watching TV and thinking about tomorrow.

Castiel paced the floor of his apartment, as he talked with one of his college buddies, Balthazar.  
“Sam, huh?” Balthazar said in his delightfully British accent.  
“Yeah,” Cas replied.  
“Now, isn’t there some rule about dating your ex’s brother?”  
“We’re not dating, per say.”  
“No,” His friend replied sarcastically, “You just held hands and started at each other.”  
“God, you’re obnoxious,” Castiel joked.  
“But you love me,” Balthazar said.  
“See you, buddy,” Cas hung up.

It was around 8 when Sam called him. Castiel answered almost immediately.  
“Hello.”  
“Cas?”  
“Yeah.”  
“It’s Sam. Dean and I are staying another day.”  
“Great,” Castiel said with enthusiasm.  
“So, what time did you want to go to the park?”  
“I don’t work tomorrow,” Castiel answered, “So, twelve?”  
“We can have lunch.”  
“A picnic,” Cas half-jokingly suggested.  
“Yeah.”  
“Really? All right. I’ll pick you up?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I’ll bring food, too. You allergic to anything, Sam?”  
“No.”  
“Perfect,” Castiel said, “Bye, Sam.”

Admittedly, Castiel was nervous. He remembered Sam as a quiet little high school freshman, who greeted Cas when he’d come over and visit Dean, then would continue watching TV with his friend Gabriel. He’d never really gotten to know Sam, his interests, his dreams. Surely, the younger brother has changed since then.  
He got the feeling of Sam’s kindness from the hand holding at the café. Dean was right there, but either didn’t notice or didn’t mind. Balthazar was right, half right, anyways. He would be dating Dean’s brother, though he and Dean were never technically dating. Dean wasn’t exactly “dating” material, never talking about commitment and always sleeping with other girls. It never got that far between the two, and he didn’t know how far it would get with Sam, or if the two even wanted it to get that far. Was Sam the committing type?  
Castiel shook his head and continued making sandwiches and grabbing sodas and chips for the picnic.

As promised, Cas showed up around noon the next day at the motel.  
“Be careful, Sam,” Dean said, not just about the picnic.  
“I will, Dean,” Sam replied, and hopped into Cas’s car.  
Cas handed Sam the lunchbox, then drove off toward the park.  
“Turkey,” Cas informed him. “And some sodas.”  
“Sweet.”

If anything, it was a little hot that day. However, the breeze blowing off the pond in the center, which contained a somewhat mossy fountain, provided just enough cool breeze to make the temperature bearable. No one was at the park, save for a lady walking her dog on the concrete path surrounding the pond. Near the pond was a shelter house, containing 4 red picnic tables, the paint chipped off of them. The two chose the one with the least amount of bird poop on it, and sat down across from each other. Cas handed Sam a sandwich, chips and a soda.  
“So,” Cas began as he removed a sandwich from the lunchbox, “What was that yesterday?”  
“What was what?” Sam asked innocently.  
“Grabbing my hand,”  
Sam looked embarrassed.  
“Um…yeah. Sorry.”  
Castiel shook his head.  
“Don’t be,” He said, “But…what exactly do you want, Sam?”  
The taller man bit his lip.  
“Well…I…It’s just…”  
Castiel looked around, making sure no one was watching, then grabbed Sam’s hand.  
“It’s okay,” He assured Sam, “You don’t have to say anything.”  
The taller man smiled, still a little upset that his shyness got the best of him.  
“Dean told me about you two,” He said.  
“What did he tell you?” Cas panicked.  
“Nothing really. Just that he messed up, missed his chance.”  
Suddenly, Castiel was guilt ridden. He’d left Dean, high and dry, never even really asked him out. And now, he was trying to get with his younger brother. He retracted his hand and concentrated on his sandwich.  
“Don’t worry, Cas,” Sam assured him, as if reading his mind, “Dean’s over it now.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah,” The younger brother took Castiel’s hand again, content.  
Castiel looked around again, then got up and sat next to Sam, who looked at him. He threaded his fingers through Sam’s thick, silky hair, and pulled the man in, pressing their lips together. There were sparks, like neither of them had felt before. If Sam had been questioning his sexuality, if he really liked men as well, there was no more doubt. He pulled Castiel closer, sending chills all over the older one’s body as Sam kissed his neck.  
“Wait,” Sam stopped, “We can’t do this. Not here.”  
Castiel nodded.  
“Dean told me he was going out for a few hours,” Sam informed him.  
“Okay.”  
They cleaned up the picnic stuff and got back into Cas’s car. 

At the motel, Sam set the lunchbox by the TV, then was shoved against the wall by Cas.  
“Sam, are you a virgin?”  
Sam thought for a moment, then nodded, “Yeah.”  
“Good to know.”

Cas lay in bed, wrapped in Sam’s arms.  
“Shit,” Sam remarked.  
“What?”  
“This is Dean’s bed.”  
The two laughed. Cas noticed the book lying on Sam’s suitcase.  
“What’s that?” He asked.  
“Christine,” Sam answered.  
Castiel smiled, “Christine’s a bitch.”  



	2. Chapter 2

July arrived and Sam still hadn’t left town. After lots of convincing, Dean let Sam stay with Cas at his apartment over the summer.  
“I have to leave in August,” Sam repeated, “Go to California.”  
“I know,” Castiel said, though he’d thought of a solution, “But…”  
“The dorm doesn’t allow non college students, as far as I know.”  
“I can get an apartment,” Cas suggested.  
“If you can afford it. And if you can get a job.”  
“I just…don’t want to lose you, Sam. Like I lost Dean.”  
Sam looked away.   
“I didn’t mean it like that,” He darted, “I’m over Dean. Really, I am.”  
His boyfriend looked back in disbelief, “Who are you trying to convince?”  
“Sam, please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.”  
“I’m not mad. I understand there was no closure between you and Dean, but I’m not going to leave you like that.”  
“You ARE leaving me,” Cas said bitterly.  
“What do you want?” Sam was growing angry, “Do you want me to just drop out of Stanford?”  
“No!” Cas yelled, “Of course not! I want you to go to college, I want you to be happy.”  
“I’d stay if I could.”  
Castiel wrapped his arms around Sam, who was now giving him puppy dog eyes.  
“I know,” He said, “I’ll try to go with you. We’ll figure something out.”

July 15th was when people found out about the two. Someone must have seen the two around, gossiped. Word travels fast in a small town.  
Castiel had been waiting for lunch break all day. Thirty minutes away from a short date with Sam. That is, until someone walked in the door, appearing to be in a sort of daze. Castiel barely took his eyes off the magazine he was reading, figuring it was just someone on drugs or drunk, harmless. The customer approached the counter, making Cas jump as a candy bar was layed on down in front of him.  
“I might have to cancel our lunch date, Cas,” The customer said quietly.  
Castiel looked up from the magazine and gasped.  
“Sam?” He panicked.  
His boyfriend stood with a newly formed dark ring under his puffy right eye, a split and bloody bottom lip, and a swollen right cheek. Castiel stared in horror.  
“What happened?”  
“I got in a fight.”  
“I see that…you look horrible!”  
“You should see the other guy,” Sam joked.  
Cas failed to see the humor.  
“There was this guy,” Sam explained, “He was saying things about you…didn’t like that you were…that we were…You know. Dean’s gonna be pissed.”  
The older man began to panic, “It’s not safe here anymore.”  
“Cas, calm down. I’m okay.”  
“I’m going with you.”  
“What?”  
“To California. I don’t care what it takes. I won’t leave you alone.”  
“It’s no big deal, Cas.”  
“No big…Do you know what my parents did when I told them I was gay?” Cas began, quiet, but upset, “They kicked me out! Just…kicked me out…wanted nothing to do with me…said they wouldn’t have it in their house.”  
Sam hugged his boyfriend, who was nearly in tears from the memory. He’d mentioned it before, but never went in to any sort of detail besides, “they kicked me out.”  
“I’ll write a letter to the college,” Sam assured him, “Maybe they’ll make an exception.”

It was August 3rd by the time Sam got a response to the letter he’d written, which notified him that Castiel could stay at the dorm for a small fee of $400 a month.  
“Sounds reasonable,” Sam mumbled to himself before handing the letter to Cas.  
Castiel kissed Sam on the mouth, tongue and everything, when he found out. That night was a long night of celebrating.


	3. Chapter 3

Classes began the 20th, so Sam, Dean and Castiel left for Stanford on the twelfth, to give them time to reach the dorm and settle in. Sam and Cas left in Cas’s car, while Dean followed in the Impala. The older brother was going for support, and to say goodbye, of course.  
After actually stopping to see the Grand Canyon, the three reached Stanford on the 16th, leaving five days until the beginning of the semester.  
Dean parked the Impala next to Castiel’s car, then got out and helped with the suitcases and bags. He followed the two as they went into the main office to check in, then went to their assigned dorm room.  
The university itself was huge, some two story brick buildings with a Greek symbol, where the fraternities stayed, as well as one for the sororities. A building was used for sciences, another for arts, etc. Sam and Cas were staying in the general students’ dorm: a four story brick building with about four hundred rooms and no elevator. Meaning, the three had to lug their bags up three floors to room 326.  
Their room consisted of two beds, a desk where Castiel put his typewriter, and shelf to fit a TV. Luckily, Dean had brought a TV, and Sam and Cas remembered the bed things.  
“Good luck, Sam,” Dean said finally with watery eyes, “Cas.”  
Sam hugged his brother tightly.  
“I’ll be okay, Dean,” He said, “Don’t worry about me.”  
“You’d better visit for Christmas,” Dean said.  
“Sure thing,” He replied, “Jerk.”  
“Bitch,” Dean played along.  
“Staying for lunch?” Sam asked.  
“Yeah. Then I’ll have to head back.”

After lunch, Dean hugged Sam again, and then Castiel.  
“I’ll miss you, Sammy,” He said, “And…not too much partying, okay?”  
“Yeah,” The younger brother said, “Bye, Dean.”  
“Bye Dean,” Castiel said.  
“Bye Sam. Bye Cas.”

Dean left on the promise that he’d call from the next hotel he found to let the two know he was safe. Though Dean was the oldest, it was Sam who constantly worried about his brother’s safety.  
“He’ll be fine,” Cas assured Sam.  
“Yeah, I know,” Sam pointed to the typewriter, “What’s that?”  
Cas gave him a strange look, “Well, it’s a typewriter.”  
“I know that,” Sam rolled his eyes, “I meant, why do you have a typewriter?”  
The older man looked embarrassed, as if the very idea of owning such a machine was a horrid idea.   
“It’s stupid,” He dismissed.  
“Your typewriter is stupid?”   
“No. Just…forget it.”   
“What is it?”  
“Ever since my parents kicked me out, I started writing. I don’t know, I just like it. So, I saved up and got this typewriter so I could write a story and maybe publish it.”  
“That’s terrific, Cas! Have you written anything yet?”  
“Well, yes. It’s a children’s book. It’s called The Talking Tree.”  
“Can I read it?”  
“Sure, I guess. Just a second.”  
Cas opened his suitcase and grabbed a folder which contained a couple of pieces of paper stapled together. At the top of the first piece of paper were three words in the middle of the page: “The Talking Tree.” He handed it to Sam, nervous because no one had ever read his stories before. The taller man flopped onto his bed and began reading.  
“Cas, this is great!” Sam exclaimed.  
“Yeah,” The man answered with doubt.  
“No, really,” Sam said, “You could do this professionally.”  
“You think so?”  
“Of course.”

Dean did call that evening, with some news.  
“Sam, I met someone. Her name is Lisa.”  
“Lisa?” Sam asked.  
“Yeah,” Dean said with excitement in his voice, “She’s got a kid, but hear me out…”  
“I’m listening.”  
“I…I think I could make it work out.”  
“You be careful, Dean.”  
“I will, Sammy. Bye.”

Soon enough, it was the 20th, and Sam was up early, getting his things ready for the day’s classes: Ethics, followed by Algebra I, then English, Chemistry, and finally, and art class. He left a note with Castiel before he left: Went to class. Be back at four. Love, Sam.  
He made his way to the main building, where the class was held on the second floor. Inside the Ethics classroom, he took a seat beside a brown haired woman. Since dating Castiel, Sam hasn’t really had much desire to look at other women, or men for that matter, though she was different. Dark brown hair, brown eyes, full lips, thin, probably shorter than him, as most people are, and a look that appeared harsh, yet sweet. She looked at him with a bright smile.  
“Hi,” She said, “My name’s Ruby.”  
“Hi Ruby,” He said, “I’m Sam.”  
“Nice to meet you, Sam,” She said, “Are you new here?”  
“Yeah. Freshman.”  
“Hmm,” She nodded, eying him, “Well Sam, I’m throwing a little party for the newbie freshman, as per campus tradition. You’re welcome to come if you’d like.”  
“Um…sure,” Sam answered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS IS THE CHAPTER THAT CONTAINS FEMALE ON MALE RAPE. IF YOU DON'T WISH TO READ THIS, PLEASE SKIP TO THE BOTTOM, WHERE A SUMMARY IS WRITTEN.

Friday evening rolled around soon enough. Sam had been feeling guilty for the thoughts he was having about Ruby. He’d told Castiel, who assured him that it was only natural, human attraction and that he trusted Sam not to cheat.  
“Are you sure you don’t want to go, Cas?” Sam asked again as he got dressed.  
“Sam, I’ll be fine,” Cas assured him again, “You go have fun. Besides, I’ve got some writing to do.”  
Sam kissed his boyfriend again, then headed for the door. Later, much later, Castiel would regret not going to that party with Sam.  
“Bye Cas.”  
“Bye Sam. Be careful.”  
“Everyone keeps telling me that,” Sam laughed as he walked out the door.

It was dark outside when Sam got to Ruby’s place, which was a sorority house. He could hear music blaring from the second he entered the yard. A guy about Sam’s age, obviously drunk and holding a plastic cup, stumbled out of the front door. Sam entered the same door, finding himself in a living room. Ruby was laughing and drinking with a small group of people, when she noticed Sam, who was easily the tallest person in the room, and walked over to greet him.  
“Sam!” She yelled over the music, “Glad you could make it.”  
“Yeah,” He answered, “Thanks for inviting me.”  
“No problem. Want a drink?”  
“Sure.”  
“I’ll get you something. Beer okay?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Ruby slipped away from Sam and over to the cooler of beer. She found two plastic cups and poured some of the liquid into each cup. Making sure no one was looking, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a couple pills, then dropped them in to one of the cups. When it dissolved, she grabbed it with her right hand and went back to Sam. She drank from the left one, so Sam took the one she’d wanted him to. It was all going according to plan.  
Soon, Sam became tired, and began to noticeably stumble. Ruby came along, helping him to stand up.  
“What’s wrong?” She asked.  
“I’m a little tired,” He said.  
“I’d say so,” She said, “Come on. I have a place for you to lie down.”  
“Okay,” Was all he was able to say.  
Ruby led Sam off to one of the bedrooms and lied him down on one of the beds. The drugs weren’t strong enough to fully knock out someone of Sam’s size, just to make him as “out of it” as possible. She closed the door and locked it, which, to Sam, should have been a huge red flag. She got an elastic band out of a drawer and wrapped it around his arm.  
“What are you doing?” He slurred.  
“Shh, it’ll make the sex better,” She said calmly.  
That took a moment to register.  
“I’m…with someone,” Sam managed, though his mouth felt like jelly.   
He was nearly passed out when Ruby injected something into his arm. He didn’t feel the sting so much as the rush it gave him. He felt strong enough to get up, to shove her away. When he moved, however, it was like pushing through molasses. Ruby, who’d seemed nice enough at first, was now forcing his hand over her chest, and her hand down his pants.  
“Stop,” He forced.  
She ignored him, and continued to pull off his clothes, then hers, until they were both naked, and she began kissing him, his lips, his neck, bites that would leave hickeys that Castiel would definitely notice. He grew tired of squirming, of trying to get away, and just gave in and let it happen.  
Ruby positioned herself so that Sam was inside her. He could feel it too, hear her complimenting him on how “big” he was, but he didn’t care, just wanted it to be over. He tried to hold back from coming as long as he possibly could (Is he really enjoying this?), tried to think of Cas, tried to pretend he was anywhere else but there (This can’t be happening.), but it didn’t work. In the morning, he still felt like shit.

It was almost eleven in the morning when Sam got back to the dorm. Of course, Castiel was worried.  
“Where the hell have you been?” Castiel demanded.  
Sam gulped, debating if he should tell Castiel what happened.  
“I passed out,” He said, “Too much to drink, I guess.”  
Castiel raised his eyebrows.   
“Hangover?”  
Sam nodded.  
“Lay down. I’ll bring you some coffee and a rag.”  
The younger man flinched as he lied on his bed. All he could think of was Ruby and what happened. The drug she injected, heroin, still pumped through him. Tears formed in his eyes, but he wiped them before Cas could see. He trusted you, Sam thought to himself, Cas trusted you, you cheating piece of shit. How could you do that to him? He felt sick. So sick, in fact, that he ran to the bathroom and threw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Sam goes to the party, Ruby drugs him, as well as giving him heroin, and...well, you get it. Anyway, Sam feels guilty as if he cheated on Cas, partly because he's attracted to Ruby.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam was over it, or so he thought, until his boyfriend tried to touch him the next day. Sam winced and froze up when Cas squeezed his hips. The older man stopped immediately.  
“Sam?”  
“Sorry. Just, go ahead.”  
“No. Sam, did something happen to you at that party?”  
Sam looked away, “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
“Please,” Cas begged, “If something is bothering you, tell me.”  
The younger man took a deep breath, remembering what happened.  
“I cheated on you, okay?” He panicked.  
“What?” Castiel was in disbelief.  
Sam told him what happened, but left out the part about the heroin injection. His boyfriend’s disbelief turned to confusion, then disgust and anger.  
“She…she raped you,” Castiel stated.  
Sam looked blankly at him. Rape? Had he been raped? He didn’t realize how upset he was until Cas touched his cheek and he burst into tears.  
“Don’t tell Dean. Please. He’ll make fun of me.”  
“Fine, but we have to call the police.”  
“Right,” Sam scoffed, “And they’ll believe that a girl raped a guy? Me? Cas, I’m a foot taller than her, at least! I…I didn’t even say no!”  
“Sam, calm down,” Castiel held his boyfriend close and spoke calmly, “You did not cheat on me. She drugged you, even if you’d begged her to sleep with you, it’s still wrong. She took advantage of you, which was wrong, too. None of it was your fault.”  
“She invited me…”  
“You couldn’t have known,” Castiel assured him, “Do you trust me?”  
“Of course.”  
“Then you know I won’t hurt you. You’re safe here. I won’t do anything to you without your permission.”  
Sam wiped his tears and hugged Cas. He was tall and strong, yet had a big heart. He was more emotional than your average guy, but didn’t show it in public. Ruby violated him, which would hurt for a long time.

Sam had planned on avoiding Ruby, maybe even switching out of classes with her. What he hadn’t planned on was the craving, his body wanted more, and that bitch was his only source. He approached her on Monday in Ethics class.  
“Hello Sam,” She greeted, her voice sent chills down Sam’s spine, “Did you like the party?”  
His nostrils flared, though he tried to stay calm.  
“That stuff you gave me,” He whispered, “I need…WANT more of it.”  
Ruby bit her lip, as if deciding whether to make a deal or not.  
“Okay,” She said, “Meet me in the sorority house after school. Bring money.”

Sam met Ruby after school at the sorority house. She was the first to answer, as she was waiting for him, and pulled him inside.   
“Sam,” She said quietly, yet seductively, “I was wondering if you’d show up.”  
Ruby smiled, lust in her eyes. Sam gulped, despite the fact that he was conscious and able to defend himself.  
“I have the money,” He said.  
“Hmm,” She said.  
Ruby touched Sam’s hands, but pulled back.  
“Don’t touch me,” He demanded.  
He handed her the money to pay, and she gave him the drugs.  
“When you run out, call me,” She handed him a card.   
Sam took some when he got home, as Castiel was out. Tears fell down his face as he digested what had happened. His rapist had become his drug dealer.

Castiel barely noticed a difference in Sam’s behavior, save for the fact that he was a bit jumpy and slept less. Both of which could be excused as still getting over what happened at the party.  
“Sam?” Cas asked from his typewriter.  
“Hmm?”  
“Maybe you should tell Dean…”  
“No…”  
“Sam, he’s your brother. He won’t make fun of you.”  
“I said NO!” Sam snapped.  
Castiel flinched, as Sam had never taken that tone with him before.  
“I’m sorry, Cas,” Sam apologized, “It’s just…I’m not ready to tell anyone just yet. I only told you because, well…”  
“I understand.”  
“I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

It was early October, the 8th, specifically, when Castiel caught Sam taking money from his wallet.  
“Sam?”  
Sam jumped and looked up.  
“Oh, hey Cas. I just…”  
“Sam, if you need to borrow money, just ask,” Cas chuckled.  
“Oh. Uh, can I borrow some…”  
“Sure.”  
Sam pocketed some money.  
“I gotta go,” Sam said, “See you, Cas.”  
He kissed Castiel on the cheek, then ran out the door before Cas could ask why he needed the money.

Castiel had noticed Sam acting strange the past month, and it wasn’t just the party. Sam’s temper flared, he’d constantly snap at Cas, but never hit him. He stayed up late at night, made dodgy excuses for why he wasn’t home. He was losing weight, only a few pounds, but Cas noticed. Sam just wasn’t…Sam.  
Maybe Sam was sick, and he just wasn’t telling Cas. Maybe Sam only had a few months to live. Maybe, Cas thought, Who knows who Ruby’s been with. Maybe he’s got…No, it can’t be. His worries only worsened when he looked in the bathroom trashcan and saw an empty needle, which Sam had forgotten to cover with tissue paper. Cas dug it out and set it on the bathroom sink.

“You’re a little short, Sam,” Ruby said as she counted the money.  
“It’s all I have,” Sam pleaded.  
Ruby squeezed his hips, “It’s not…ALL you have.”  
“Are…are you serious?”  
“Do I LOOK like I’m joking,” She asserted, “Do you want the drugs or not?”  
“Fine,” He agreed.

Sam returned to the dorm and saw a glaring Castiel. Guilt rushed through him as he remembered what he’d just done.  
“I found something in the trashcan,” Castiel spoke calmly.  
Sam raised his eyebrows, heart pounding, “And?”  
Cas brought the needle from the bathroom.  
“What is this, Sam?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Really?”  
“What, you don’t believe me?” Sam became defensive, “You think I’m a liar?”  
“Well…”  
“You don’t understand. How could you POSSIBLY understand? Just leave me alone!”  
“Sam, I’m only trying to help,” Castiel approached him.  
“I said LEAVE ME ALONE!” Sam roared.  
He pushed Castiel, who fell onto the floor. The older man then got up and spoke calmly.  
“Fine,” He said, “I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone.”

Castiel left. Though he didn’t really leave, only went to Dean. Sam didn’t move from his bed, only stared at Castiel’s empty one, wondering when he’d be back for his stuff.


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel did return for his things a few days later. Dean and Castiel both tried to talk some sense into Sam, but they kept getting snapped at and eventually kicked out by the younger brother.  
Sam didn’t care anymore. He stopped doing homework, stopped going to his classes, and barely left the dorm except to buy food and make drug deals with Ruby. He ignored Cas and Dean, or anyone who tried to help him.  
October rolled into November, which rolled into December, and finals, which Sam either failed or didn’t bother taking in the first place. He was at risk of having his scholarship taken away for bad grades, and he knew it. He also knew that the only people willing to help him, Dean and Cas, were pissed at him, maybe even hated his guts.  
He didn’t even call when he drove from California to see Dean, who was in Kansas with Lisa, three days before Christmas.  
Dean had just put Ben to bed when the doorbell rang. Who could that be this late, he wondered. He went into the living room and opened the front door, then stared in shock at the person standing at the door. It was Sam, Sammy, although it wasn’t exactly him. He was at least fifteen pounds skinnier than the last time Dean had seen him, paler, and bags under his eyes.  
“Sam…”  
“I need help,” Tears swam in the younger brother’s eyes.  
Dean pulled his brother into the house, and hugged him.  
“You’re not mad?” Sam asked.  
“Oh, hell yes,” Dean stated, “But you’re my brother. You drove all the way here for my help, and I won’t turn you down.”  
“Oh.”  
“What did you think was going to happen?” Dean asked honestly.  
“That you’d spit in my face and slam the door,” Sam answered, tears now falling down his face.  
“No,” Dean said, “Sam, never. I’ll never give up on you.”  
Sam began to shiver, and the older brother realized he wasn’t wearing a jacket.  
“Where’s your coat?”  
“Left it in the car.”  
Dean led Sam to the couch, then wrapped a blanket around him.  
“Thanks, Dean.”  
“Don’t thank me, Sammy,” He said, “You’re my brother, I love you. Now, are you hungry?”  
“A little. Mostly thirsty.”  
The older brother warmed up some hot chocolate and got a donut left over from breakfast that morning. Sam ate the donut and drank slowly.  
“Where’s Cas?”  
“Found an apartment uptown.”  
“Is he with anyone?”  
“What? No, he’s been trying to contact you. He called you five times last week.”  
“Oh,” Sam mumbled with guilt, “Do you think he’ll take me back?”  
“I hope so,” Dean answered, “You can call him later. Right now, I want you to tell me what happened.”  
Sam explained everything: the party, Ruby, the drug deals.  
“Why didn’t you tell me this?” Dean exclaimed.  
“I thought you would make fun of me.”  
Dean wrapped his arms around his brother in an attempt to comfort him.  
“I’m scared, Dean,” Sam admitted.

Sam awoke the next morning to Castiel staring at him in amazement.  
“Cas?”  
“Sam!” Castiel exclaimed, “I thought you were…then Dean told me…Ruby did this to you?”  
Sam sat up and removed his blanket.  
“The first time,” He said, “But I kept going. I cheated on you…for…I don’t expect you to forgive me.”  
“Forgive you?” Cas repeated, making Sam flinch, “Sam, I have been worried sick! You should have said something!”  
“So…will you take me back?”  
Sam’s ex cuddled next to him on the couch.  
“Of course,” He answered.  
Lisa went to work, leaving Dean to take care of Ben, who played video games in his room, while Sam, Dean and Castiel talked in the living room.  
“I pretended it didn’t happen,” Sam explained, “I wanted to avoid her, but…” He shuddered, “I’m okay now. I think.”  
“You thought I’d mock you?” Dean asked.  
“Look at me, Dean!” Sam exclaimed, “I’m six foot four! Who would believe that anyone my size was…”  
That helpless puppy dog look on the younger brother’s face was made worse by his thin, pale and broken stature.  
“She drugged you, Sam,” Dean stated, still angry that someone dared hurt his baby brother.  
“It was so long ago.”  
“Three months isn’t that long,” Castiel assured Sam, “It’s all right if you’re aren’t over it yet.”  
“Look Sam, maybe you should leave college for a bit,” Dean suggested, “Take a break. Focus on yourself, getting better.”  
Sam wrapped his arms around Castiel.  
“When’s the last time you…you know?”  
“A few days,” Sam answered, “It’s tough.”  
“We’re here for you, Sammy,” Dean assured him.

“Lisa, he’s harmless,” Dean defended his brother to her.  
“Maybe, but…well, he’s a drug addict.”  
Dean grimaced. He had explained only that the man who lied on their couch was his younger brother Sam, who Lisa had never met but Dean talked about constantly, and was a recovering drug addict who needed his help.  
“He’s my brother,” Dean explained, “He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”  
Lisa eyed Sam from the kitchen. The tall man noticed her, and plastered a fake smile when he saw her looking. She could see the pain in his eyes, the sadness behind the forced smile.  
“What happened to him?” She asked quietly.  
“I’m not really supposed to tell you,” Dean answered, “But…well…He was at a party. There was this girl, and…she injected him with heroin. Forcibly.”  
Lisa shook her head. “That’s horrible!”  
“Yeah,” Dean said, “It’s not the whole story, though. You see, what actually happened, the part he doesn’t want me to tell anyone…Well, that girl who injected him…she drugged him and forced him into…something he didn’t want.”  
Lisa stared in confusion before coming to a realization. She gasped.  
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”  
“Yeah.”  
“My god…”  
Lisa was a devout feminist, had been since she was a teenager. She believed in the equality of the sexes. Something that infuriated her was the idea of rape, or any sort of forced act against one’s will, and the idea that a man simply could not be raped or sexually assaulted. “He liked it, so it’s not rape,” to her was the same as “she liked it, so it’s not rape.” Of course, she knows from personal experience, via a nasty abusive ex-boyfriend about ten years ago. Her rapist got away with it, because she dated him, because she stayed, because she “liked it.” Sam’s rapist was likely to get away with it as well, especially since she was a woman.  
“Let me talk to him,” She said.  
“He won’t…”  
“I know what he’s going through, Dean. I’ve been in his place.”  
Dean sighed. “All right.”  
Lisa entered the living room and approached Sam. She didn’t, however, sit down or try to touch him.  
“Hello, Sam.”  
Sam looked up at her nervously.  
“Oh, hey Lisa,” He said, “Do you need something?”  
“No,” She said, “I just wanted to talk to you.”  
“About?”  
“Dean told me what happened,” She answered, making him wince, “Well, kind of, I came to the conclusion on my own. I know what you’re going through…minus the addiction.”  
“And?”  
“I’ve been through it myself.”  
“You have?”  
“Yes.”  
Sam patted the couch, inviting her to sit down.  
“You probably didn’t go to the police,” She began slowly, “You felt like you’d be mocked. You think that if you liked how it felt, you must have wanted it.”  
“I went back to her,” He shuddered, “She was…my dealer. Hell, I had sex with her for drugs.”  
“The man who raped me was my boyfriend once. I stayed with him after he did it multiple times.”  
The tall man stared at Lisa with sympathy, then looked away.  
“I avoided sexual and even physical contact after that,” She said.  
“I only let Dean and Castiel touch me.”  
“Sam, are you…afraid of women?”  
“What? No. I mean, not really. I know it’s ridiculous…”  
“No, it’s not. You were hurt by a woman. It’s okay if you’re distrustful.”  
Sam nodded and wiped his tears.  
“Thank you, Lisa.”  
Lisa thought Sam looked like he needed a hug.  
“Can I hug you, Sam?”  
Sam nodded again. Lisa hugged him and he hugged back. She let go when he stiffened a little.  
“I can’t pretend to understand your exact situation,” She said, “But if need someone to talk to, someone who’s…been through trauma like that…”  
“Yeah.”


	7. Chapter 7

Christmas morning with Dean, Lisa and Ben was terrific. Ben woke up early, about seven in the morning, and ran to the living room to see what “Santa” had brought. Dean smiled as Ben opened the presents and Lisa took pictures with her camera.  
For Sam and Castiel, however, Christmas morning wasn’t so great. Sam had woken up from a nightmare, shaking and sweating profusely.  
“Cas?” Sam panicked, shaking his boyfriend awake.  
Castiel groaned, then woke up immediately after seeing panicked Sam.  
“What’s the matter, Sam?”  
“I don’t feel good,” Sam answered, “I think I’m sick. I should…hospital.”  
Castiel nodded.  
“Come on,” He said, “We’ll go to the emergency room.”  
“I’m scared.”  
“I know. It’s gonna be okay, Sam.”

Castiel drove the shaking and terrified Sam to the nearest hospital, which was just across town. He told the receptionist that Sam woke up shaking and sweating. Luckily, the hospital was pretty empty, so Sam was taken away quickly to be examined. Castiel sat in the waiting room.  
The doctor, Dr. Ackles, took Sam’s body temperature, blood pressure and pulse.  
“You say you woke up like this?” He asked as he shined a small light in Sam’s eyes.  
“Yeah…yes.”  
Dr. Ackles nodded.  
“Sam, have you been using any recreational drugs lately?”  
“Um…”  
“It’s all right, Sam. I am not required to report drug use to the authorities.”  
“Heroin,” Sam answered, “About a week ago. I’m…trying to quit.”  
“In that case, what you are experiencing are symptoms of heroin withdrawal.”  
Sam instantly felt a surge of guilt.  
“I’m sorry,” He slipped.  
“Why are you sorry?” Dr. Ackles became confused.  
“You should be at home with your family. Instead, you’re spending Christmas here, taking care of my druggie ass.”  
Dr. Ackles was slightly amused at that remark, yet felt sad for the tall stranger. He’d met his share of drug addicts, especially those with withdrawals who walked into the hospital, but Sam seemed different.  
“It’s my job to help people,” He said kindly, “Believe me, I’d like to be at home, spending the holidays with my wife and kids just as much as the next guy, but I choose to be here, to help people like yourself.”  
Sam smiled.  
“Now, these symptoms will wear off once the drugs get out of your system,” Dr. Ackles explained, “However, the addiction will stay. If you were serious about wanting to quit, I can give you the numbers for a few addiction and therapy centers.”  
Sam nodded.

Sam had found a center from the list of numbers Dr. Ackles had given him. It was a support group that met on Tuesdays and Thursdays, including other drug addicts. It began on January 3rd, 1985.  
He was happy, or at least, he should have been. Instead, Sam was reduced to a crying lump who lied in Castiel’s bed in their apartment all day. Or, if he could gather up the energy, a crying lump that lie on the living room couch all day. He took time off of college, as per Dean’s suggestion, at least until fall next semester. He had no place to go, besides the support group.  
Sam was having nightmares as well, but kept it to himself. Castiel was powerless to help, only able to hold and hug his boyfriend. Something was wrong, and it wasn’t just the party or the drugs. Sam was truly hurting.  
The younger man was convinced that Castiel was still angry with him. He had been unfaithful, cheated to get drugs, and yelled and shoved Cas when he tried to help. How could he be trusted? Sam felt worthless, knowing he didn’t deserve Castiel, maybe he never did. He waited, wondered when the man would come to his senses and kick Sam out.  
Days faded in to weeks and January faded into February. Castiel had to work on Valentine’s Day, leaving Sam alone at home. He knew something was wrong, but figured it would go away once the drugs got out of Sam’s system. He was wrong, and he knew it as soon as he returned to the apartment with a box of chocolates and walked in the door to see Sam holding a knife. He put the chocolates down.  
“Sam?” He asked, “What are you doing?”  
“Oh, hey Cas,” Sam had tears streaming down his face, “You’re home early.”  
Sam almost never got out of bed during the day, and Cas knew it meant trouble.  
“What are you doing?” Castiel repeated, more demanding.  
“What does it look like?” Sam asked, “I know you’re tired of me, Cas. I know you want me gone, too.”  
“No, how could you think that?”  
“Get out,” Sam said, “So you don’t see the blood.”  
“No. Sam, put the knife down.”  
Castiel approached the taller man, who pointed the knife toward him.  
“Stay back,” He warned.  
“You won’t hurt me,” Castiel said.  
“Wanna bet?” Sam clenched his teeth, lips quivering.  
“I know you won’t hurt me,” Castiel said, “You’re not that kind of person.”  
“Am I? Well, maybe you just don’t know me all that well.”  
“Give me the knife, Sam.”  
Sam put the knife to his wrist and made a cut. Castiel ran for the knife and grabbed it.  
“Give it back!”  
“No!”  
“Just let me die, Cas! Please!”  
The taller man reached for the knife, but Castiel yanked it away, and threw it across the room. As Sam made a run for it, his boyfriend grabbed him.  
“I’m not going to let you die,” He said.  
“Why not?”  
“Because I love you, Sam,” Castiel answered, “I don’t want you dead. I’m not kicking you out, I’m not tired of you, or whatever else you think.”  
Sam stared at him for a moment before saying: “I love you too, Cas.”  
Castiel hugged Sam tightly, then noticed the cuts on his wrists as he pulled away. The cuts were deeper than just scratches, and they were bleeding.  
He got Sam a rag and some bandages as Sam tried to calm himself down.  
“It’s okay, Sam,” Castiel assured him.  
“Don’t tell Dean.”  
“Why not?”  
“He’ll think I’m weak.”  
“Why would he think that?”  
“Because I am,” Sam answered, “I’m weak. I can’t do it. I can’t handle the pain, the memories, the nightmares, the cravings. I can’t do it anymore, Cas.”  
Castiel grabbed Sam’s hand.  
“You think this makes you weak? Sam, you are not weak. You survived an assault, you gave up addiction. You ADMITTED that you needed help. You’re brave, Sam. You can do this, I know you can.”  
“I don’t feel brave,” Sam remarked.  
“You are,” Castiel assured him, “And I need you. I can’t live without you, I tried. These months away from you were just miserable.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Would I lie to you?”  
“Okay,” Sam said, “I’ll…find a psychologist.”  
Castiel leaned his head against his boyfriend’s chest.  
“Good,” He said, “I’m not leaving you again. We’ll get through this together.”  
Sam found a comfort in that. He’d feared that Castiel would leave him from the moment they’d got back together. He kissed Castiel’s forehead.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam got the help he needed via a psychologist named Dr. Speight, who diagnosed Sam with depression.  
He also got a lot of help in his support group. The group consisted of 8 people: The therapist, Richard Padalecki, four alcoholics named Jared, Mark, Jack, and Al, another heroin addict named Vicki, who became a prostitute to pay for her addiction but was busted more times than she liked and, according to her, now avoids sex like the plague, a cocaine addict named Misha, who nearly lost his business due to his addiction, and Sam. Out of the eight, Sam could relate most to Vicki, if not only for the addiction they shared, along with similar payment.  
“Ruby, huh?” Vicki had asked when Sam told her what happened in private, “Yeah, the guy I made deals with, Matt, he told me to sell my body when I ran out of money. Then, the son of a bitch has the balls to turn me in. Guess it was for my own good, though.”

When Sam finally told Dean what was wrong with him, the older brother was a little upset.  
“Sammy,” He said, “I feel like you don’t share with me enough.”  
“Well, gee, I wonder why, Dean,” Sam replied lightly, “I mean, it couldn’t possibly be because you tease me all the time, could it?”  
“I do not tease you.”  
Sam glared at the older brother. “Uh-huh.”  
“Okay, maybe a little,” Dean admitted.

Sam was happy. He was getting better and recovering from what had happened, both mentally and physically. Then, at the beginning of March, he got a phone call from someone he hadn’t seen in a while.  
“Hello?” He answered.  
“Hello, Sam,” The voice on the other end spoke, “Long time, no see.”  
“Ruby,” Sam tried to hide the fear and shock in his voice, “How the hell did you get this number?”  
“Research,” She answered.  
“What do you want?”  
“I’ll make this quick,” She said, “I just got out of jail, and I’m pretty damn sure it was YOU who busted me. Now I’m out ten grand, and I’m taking it out on your ass!”  
“I didn’t turn you in,” Sam defended.  
“Bullshit! Who the fuck else could it be? Not like I was dealing with anyone else. You’re going to pay, Sam.”  
He heard a dial tone, meaning she’d hung up, and put the phone back on its hook.

“I swear I never turned her in,” Sam pleaded after he told Castiel about the call.  
“Sam, relax,” Castiel attempted to calm him, “Maybe she was lying.”  
“Right,” Sam said with doubt as he wondered what the hell she would do to him, “But how did she know where I live?”  
“She might have accessed the school records. They still have you on there, and the apartment has you as a resident here.”  
The younger man stared ahead, “She’s gonna kill me.”  
“No one is killing anyone. Like I said, maybe she’s lying.”  
“I don’t know,” Sam said.  
“Should we report this?”  
“And what? Put her BACK in jail? She’ll just get more pissed!”  
“Well, we can’t just sit here and do nothing!”  
“I know! Just…give me a minute, okay?”

They ended up telling the police about Ruby and the phone call, and were told the situation would be handled.  
“That’s it?” Dean asked when Sam and Castiel told him what had happened.  
“I guess,” Sam shrugged.  
“She threatened you!” Dean exclaimed, “After all she’s done to you…”  
His nostrils flared. No one, absolutely NO ONE, hurts or threatens his baby brother.

It turned out that Ruby had made that call only a few days before she was arrested again for possession of heroin. Of course, she was also charged with making threatening phone calls. Sam took comfort in that, even though he’d pretended not to be afraid in the first place.  
By April, Sam had gotten back to a healthy weight, was sleeping more, and got a job stocking shelves at a local bookstore. Overall, he was happy, actually happy. Castiel worked at a gas station, which he seemed to have a knack for.  
One day, when Sam got home from work, Castiel was cleaning out an animal pen.   
“What’s that?” Sam asked.  
“Oh, hey Sam,” Castiel smiled, “I got a cat.”  
Sam gave him a strange look. “Why?”  
The older man shrugged, then brought the cat over for Sam to hold. Its fur was white with black spots.  
“Its name is Catstiel.”  
“Really.”  
“No, her name is Checkers,” Castiel said, “Want to know about Checkers?”  
“Sure.”  
“She came from a bad home,” He started, “As a kitten, she was abused, hurt. Then, she got taken away. Somehow, she made her way to the animal shelter. Three years is a long time to keep a cat. No one wanted her, so they were going to put her down.”  
“That’s why you adopted her?” Sam figured.  
Cas nodded, then continued, “Now, Checkers has a second chance. That is, if you’re okay with having a cat.”  
“Yeah, of course.”


	9. Chapter 9

Sam is weak. He knows this. It’s why, only a little over a year after he’d quit, in May of 1986, he had a relapse. He’d let Castiel, Dean, and even Checkers (who had to be left at Lisa’s because the dorm doesn’t allow pets) down.  
It was the end of his year back at Stanford when it happened. At least he’d made it through the whole first year. Castiel had moved back in the dorm with him, a different dorm; Room 298.

Castiel found out about his boyfriend’s relapse after he’d talked to a girl who was from Ruby’s sorority in early July.  
“You’re Castiel, right?” A girl with blonde hair and about the same height as him, asked.  
“Yeah…um, how’d you know?”  
“I checked the schools records. So, you live with Sam?”  
“We’re roommates.”  
“Then you know what happened with Ruby, right?”  
“Um, no. What happened?”  
“Well,” The girl began, “She used to be in our sorority. See we have this…tradition…Where one of us throws a party, invites a bunch of freshman, and then takes one to bed. You know, a bit of harmless fun. But Ruby, she took it too far. I mean, drugging someone…knocking them out and…Well, I don’t know what happened exactly. I only heard rumors.”  
“Rumors?”  
“Yeah. I mean, Ruby getting kicked out and sent to jail was a huge deal. And then, turns out she’s got a pretty long history of using roofies to get her way.”  
Castiel nodded.  
“Well, I have to go,” The girl said.  
“Wait.”  
“Yeah?”  
“I didn’t get your name.”  
“Kathy.”  
“Well, it was nice talking to you, Kathy.”

Sam collapsed on his bed. Having just taken the heroin, he was waiting for it to kick in. Enter Castiel, who stared in shock at the scene that lay in front of him: Sam laying on his bed, an empty needle on the floor.  
“Cas,” Sam gasped.  
Castiel just stared, unmoving, and Sam feared he would leave again. Then, he approached the younger man, who sat up and backed away because…Well, he didn’t know. It wasn’t like there was reason to be afraid, as Cas had never struck or threatened him before. Sam buried his head in his hands and began to cry.  
“Sam,” Castiel spoke.  
“I’m sorry, Cas,” Sam cried, “I…couldn’t do it. I’m too weak. I tried, I really did, but…”  
He felt a soft hand touch the back of his head, and flinched.  
“Don’t be afraid,” Castiel whispered assuringly, “I’m right here, Sam.”  
Sam rested his head on Castiel’s chest, and Cas wrapped his arms around the younger man.  
“It’s not over,” Castiel assured him, “This kind of thing is expected.”  
Sam looked hurt.  
“You EXPECTED me to fail?”  
“This isn’t failing. It’s relapse. Part of having an addiction.”  
“You’re not going to leave me?”  
“I didn’t…No. I’ll be right here with you.”  
Sam wiped his tears. “Could you…um…not tell Dean about this?”  
“You don’t want me to tell Dean about the relapse? Why not?”  
“I don’t want to…let him down anymore.”  
“Sam…”  
“Cas, Dean is more than a brother,” Sam said, “You remember my dad. Dean is…like a father to me. I want him to be proud. And THIS? It’s nothing to be proud of.”  
“Okay,” Castiel agreed, as there was no point in arguing, “I won’t tell him.”

Later, Cas loaded a paper into his typewriter and began typing. Sam’s eyes shifted lazily over to him.  
“Watcha doin, Cas?”  
“Writing another story.”  
“Yeah? What’s it about?”  
“Us,” Castiel said, “How we met.”  
A smile spread across the younger man’s face.  
“What’s it called?”  
“The working title is…When Blue Met Yellow.”  
Sam chuckled, which unintentionally upset Castiel.  
“You’re right,” Castiel said as he took out the paper, crumpled it, and threw it in the trash can, “It’s stupid.”  
“No, I didn’t mean…”  
“It’s true,” Castiel defended, “I’m not meant to be a writer. I’ll never make anything good.”  
Sam got up and eyed his boyfriend with sympathy.  
“Cas, what if Shakespeare had given up?” He addressed, “We wouldn’t have Romeo and Juliet, or Hamlet. And what if Leonardo Di Vinci had given up? Hell, what if Stephen King had given up after throwing out Carrie?”  
Castiel sighed deeply.  
“Yeah,” He said, “But I can’t do anything right now. I’ve got writers block.”  
The older man abandoned the typewriter and approached Sam. Thankfully, Sam didn’t flinch or back away as Castiel sat by him on the bed. He had been confused as to why the younger man shied away earlier.  
“Thanks,” Castiel said, “For believing in me.”  
Sam kissed Castiel on the cheek, making him blush slightly.  
“You haven’t given up on me,” The younger man spoke, “I’m just returning the favor.”

No one, not even Castiel, and especially not Dean, knew that Sam kept a journal. Castiel would be worried about the disturbing content, and Dean would only tease him for having a “diary.” He kept it under his mattress, and since it was just a normal notebook, could write in it in public or in front of Castiel and pass it off as “homework.”  
His latest entry was later that day:  
July 26, 1986,  
I don’t have the heart to tell Cas how I really feel. I’m dead inside, my insides feel like mush, and I don’t think that I can take this much longer.  
He’d had that journal since the beginning of the summer, when his other one became full, and he packed it into one of his suitcases. He tried writing at least one or two entries per day. Things like what went on, how he was feeling, and a lot about Cas. In fact, in one of his older journals, he’d written about ten pages after his first date with Castiel.


	10. Chapter 10

Castiel ran. He ran because, in the afternoon on Thursday, August 21st, he read the final entry in Sam’s journal, which Sam had left in the library.  
“Hey Cas?” Sam had said as he entered the dorm and began to rifle through his things.  
“Yeah?”  
“I left a notebook in the library and I’m kind of tired. Could you go get it for me?”  
Sam flopped down on his bed, as if to prove his exhaustion.  
“Sure,” Castiel smiled.  
“Thanks, Cas,” Sam said, “It’s a green, seventy page, college ruled. Should have my name on the inside.”

So Castiel made his way down to the library, where he found a green notebook lying on one of the tables. He peeked inside and recognized Sam’s handwriting, along with dates and countless entries describing his “amazing boyfriend,” who he described as “loving,” “caring,” and “the nicest guy he’d ever met.” Castiel was ecstatic, until he got further into the entries.  
August 1, 1986,  
Cas doesn’t know about the gun I took from Dean when we visited for the fourth of July. Hopefully, Dean won’t miss it.  
Castiel read on. The entries got worse and worse, until…  
August 20, 1986,  
I’m going to do it tomorrow. For real this time, no more backing out. I’ll leave my journal behind, so at least Cas will know what happened, and ask him to go get it. When he’s gone, and if I don’t chicken out again, I’ll do it.  
Castiel looked up from the journal. Again? What did he mean again? He should have known this was a set up. But how could he know? He thought Sam was better, happy. Why would he keep that pain to himself? Then, below the last entry, he saw a note that was addressed to him.  
Cas, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, I did, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to burden you anymore, or Dean for that matter. At least now, you won’t have me in your way, bringing you down. This isn’t your fault, or anyone else’s, except maybe Ruby’s. So please, don’t blame yourself for this. And, if you tell Dean about this, tell him I was killed, kidnapped, something. Just don’t tell him how weak I was. Please. Goodbye, Cas.  
Castiel dropped the notebook, tears in his eyes. No, He decided, Sam will not die. Not on my watch.

Completely forgetting about the journal, Castiel left it behind, and he ran. He ran out of the library, across the grass, and over to the main dorm building. He ran up the stairs, up two floors, and toward room 298.  
Then, he stopped. Frozen in place only a few feet from the dorm when he heard a gunshot. A few people exited their doors in a panic and tried to find the source of the noise.  
Castiel knew. He knew as he slowly entered room 298 to see a body slumped on the chair by the typewriter, a small bloody hole in the head the size of a bullet, and a gun dropped to the floor. Sam had given up, but he was far from weak.  
He approached the bloodied body slowly, in shock, hardly able to process what was happening. Upon inspection, Castiel noted the typewriter with paper in it, both now speckled with blood that had his story title, the one Sam had encouraged him to keep, “When Blue Met Yellow,” along with two sentences:  
Fate. It had to have been fate.


End file.
